i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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