i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
sarcasm needs its own font
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
