Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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