Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
