remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
