Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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