What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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