My hand turned me down
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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