low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
