Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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