I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Where is the hickey?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
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