I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
