On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
