Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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