Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
