just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
