i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
