I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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