Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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