Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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