he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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