This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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