did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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