Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
