I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She's the barista slut.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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