My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
