I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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