I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
