Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
