he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
