My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
