No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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