He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
