I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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