I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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