I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
