I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
don't judge my taste in strippers
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
