you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
