the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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