My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This house was built for laser tag.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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