I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
