literally had 100 drinks last night.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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