between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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