i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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