I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
