went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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