i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We are two peas in an std pod
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
