Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
