it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
