my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
