Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
