there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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