Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
