So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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