I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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