Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
