Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
