just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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