she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
